I had it all planned out. As soon as Riley fell asleep I would get to work on relaunching my blogging course. So many people have been interested so I just knew it would be a hit. The excitement was real.
But Riley falling asleep didn’t go as planned. Thoughts of her dad crept in (because falling out of love with someone isn’t as easy as falling in love with someone). Anxiety started taking over and I flipped. I got mad. I couldn’t stop the tears and for a moment I sat thinking of how I could ever get back to this place. I was faced with two options: to stay in that place or move forward.
option a) I could give everything up again like I have so many times before. Move to a new area and forget everything as I have so many times. I could let the negative thoughts overtake my mind like I have so many times.
option b) I can keep moving forward like I have been doing these past couple weeks. I can blog it out talk it out and continue sharing my mess. I can call my coach and talk to her. And I can give myself grace for this moment.
Because depression and anxiety aren’t just going to escape. Even though things will be going fabulous for a while… it still pops up. It still happens. And each time I’m faced with two options. To give in or get out. Getting out seems hard because the thoughts are overwhelming. My mind tells me I’m crazy, I’m a bad mom, and everything I’ve ever thought about myself and everything anyone has ever told me is on constant repeat so gaining the strength to come here and type this out while music fills my ears through headphones is tough. On the outside you see someone sharing all these details about her life but not knowing it’s saving her and more than likely other people who are in the same situation. And I choose to continue making my mess my message and to no longer be ashamed of who I am. This is me. I deal with these moments but I’m not going to let them define me. I’m going to seek help: life coach, therapist, music, blogging, working out. And turn to these things when these moments come.
I’ve picked myself up and typing this out helped me do just that. What will help you?
And this past week negative thoughts have begun to creep my mind around the evening time. It always starts that way. My mood slowly shifts and I can tell I’m close to a breaking point. Normally I would just go to sleep, but this week I’ve been pushing through those thoughts to get something done blogging-wise. Making sacrifices for my dream. But tonight was the worst. Thoughts were too far in and I completely lost it. When I chose to let myself cry it out and go through the emotions it helped me get to a point of typing and playing music which led to me overcoming. Those moments used to easily be turned into weeks, but I’m slowly but surely learning how to deal better to now.
I don’t care how many times you fall, keep getting back up. If I can do it, you can too. We got this!